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  • Writer's pictureCrysta Balis

If I'm Not Here

Updated: Aug 29, 2020

by Crysta Balis - For Eli and Mavi

“Every mother accompanies her child in absentia - be it when they are with baby sitters, at school, at camp, when they leave home. In that sense, [this] deeply moving poem reflects a universal journey shared by mothers with their children.” – Evelyn Voigt

Photo credit: Lauren J Tierney @ljzissou

If I’m not here

I will find you

I will find you in the wind

And wrap you with its gusts

And tousle your hair

I will find you in the sun

And plant kisses on your cheeks with

Warm golden rays

I will be near you in your stillness

And sing to you through silence

You’ll know my wordless song

I will be with you in your joy

In that rolling motion of light

Cascading from your heart

I will be with you when you weep

I am the tender tickle

When a tear slides down

Your cheek

Photo credit: Lauren J Tierney @ljzissou

I’ll be the glittering dust

That dances in sun rays

Peeking through windows

Catching your eyes

I’ll be the rustling leaves

In their lively bounce and sway

Waving from above

Cheering you along

I’ll be the faint whisper

That tells you “I Love You”

In the twilight before sleep

And again as you wake

I will find you always

In each passing day

You’ll feel my hand on your back

It’s me, my Loves, I’m here

I will be there

With You

For You

Beside You

Always There

Love, Mama

Photo credit: Lauren J Tierney @ljzissou

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Crysta, you continue to amaze me with your writing. What a profound gift you have. Hugs, sweet girl. I'm so happy that Rachael found you as a friend, and I am honoured to know you too. Your journey is so tough, and you are freaking ROCKING it! Hugs from afar. Holding you in the light.

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